Tuesday, June 7, 2011
I have studied dreams for a long time, for my age. For about 4 years now, I have studied, contemplated on, researched and logged dreams for the sake of figuring out why they happen. I have done this for obvious reasons, of course.
In a nutshell, dreams are (most often) simply a reflection of our most subconscious wants, needs, and desires. Not only needs, but the past can get in on the gambit too, as well as fears, the future (or time in general), drugs, eating habits, withdrawals, sickness, or the loss of a loved one.
I have dreams frequently.
They are never the same dream, but they always have one girl.
She is not always the main woman, she is often just in the background.
I know this girl.
She was the root of my thought process today. She is the reason I'm scared of trust, the reason I am reluctant to simply believe.
But, the dreams are never bad. They are always pretty good, actually.
It's when I wake up, they become bad. I look back at how good the dream was, and it upsets me that I have to live my life in the real world again.
At the same time, I'm scared to go back to sleep, because I am scared of this girl. I know that I will be upset when I wake up.
Now here's the thing.
She has found a way out.
Obviously, since she is a real person, of course I see her often. But, its the dream version I have started, well, believing is real.
The dreams always involve this woman in love with me. I have often become so delusional as to believe it in real life. I promise, I am not crazy. I obviously control myself, but when the realization comes that the dreams will never actually be, I almost break.
You break me.
More to continue later.
This is just a small part of a very long story.
Emotions are pretty silly things. Society says that men shouldn't be emotional.
No, society says that it's okay for men to be emotional... it's history that says we shouldn't be... that we should be leaders, strong, and hard.
Crap, no, thats not right... 'cause so many people hate emotional men. But, I guess back in the day when we were the hunters and protectors, it wouldn't be a good idea to be too emotional either.
Is it just unnatural in general that men can be emotional?
Is it so bad that I do in fact get teary-eyed when I think about things other than the Stars and Stripes?
I am an emotional person, and the emotions have done nothing but get in the way. It isn't anything I can control, unfortunately. If I could, I would.
In a heartbeat.
Growing up, women thought that the boy who cried would be the one that was right for them. Apparently they have gotten smarter.
Now it's the boy who can beat up the boy who cries who is right for them. Speaking from experience, folks. Please try to argue, it will give me just a bit more hope.
I have always been used by people. I'm a doormat, so to say. I am too easy to get along with, It's too easy to make me laugh and to please me. I will always listen, and I'm always there to help.
The last few times I've tried to help, my emotions got in the way, and what was seemingly a perfect start to a new chapter, turned out to be...
I was a bridge, you see. Girl gets dumped, its okay! I'm here as a shoulder to cry on. Then it becomes more than that. I get my hopes up, and then I'm cheated on, and left. It's okay, though. Cause they're engaged now. It's okay though, cause they have worked out their problems. Yes. I am insinuating that this has happened more than once.
I am Silver.
Now, I'm not stupid. Lets fill you in on another anecdote.
I'm used to the pattern. I'm prepared for what happens next.
Instead of getting attached, I back off.
I back off to protect myself.
I am now the bad guy.
I'm no longer that guy that people can just go to, no longer the guy who always has his arms open wide to people who need him.
I am rejecting them, to protect myself.
Is that selfish, or smart?
Should I sacrifice my sanity for someone else's? Or watch them suffer, and protect myself from the inevitable conclusion that only ever seems to start something new. And worse.
I don't need this. I'm emotional, remember? Any other guy could use a woman and feel just fine about it.
I'm a virgin, not because I've never had a chance to lose it, but because I know how it messes with the emotions, and I couldn't handle that until I was sure I wasn't being...
The emotional men are often used, and the non-emotional men often use.
I could never bring myself to use you.
And apparently that makes me... unappealing.
Monday, June 6, 2011
I'll go over what Silver means later.
I started development on a flash game not too long ago based off of the concept of Silver. Unfortunately, with my inferior programming skills, it kind of fell through, and I have no way to finish it, as I leave to travel in 2 days time.
The story followed a boy named Silver. Or, called Silver, as his real name is never stated.
He feels worthless, and alone, and this is shown in the game's empty, yet full feel.
Silver is followed, and almost tormented by an enigmatic man in a tie, with a face of disdain.
The disembodied voice whispers to Silver constantly, almost destroying him from the inside out as the player reaches the end of the level, where he must decide to take the path of light, or of darkness.
Either one he chooses, he finds he is the enemy.
I stumbled upon this, unfortunately, I cannot take full credit.
You’re driving down the road and, in a moment of silliness, you run a red light. In one universe, a cop pulls you over and gives you a ticket, as well as a stern talking to. In another universe you hit a little old lady and kill her.
In the first universe you’re just an ordinary motorist. In the second you’re a shameful monster. But you had no control over the presence of the little old lady, the same list of controllable actions were available to you in both universes.
If our moral responsibility extends only to our voluntary actions, then in both universes your only fault lies in running the red light. Why then do we assign additional blame for hitting the lady, an outcome over which one had no control?
Yes, you and I both knew that this day would come. Politics are crazy. A friend of mine said: "Politics are like cancer. Nobody likes it, but it will always be here, and everyone knows that it needs to be taken care of." That leaves the question: Are politicians the tumors, or the doctors?
Now, when I talk about politics, I think in a pretty broad sense. Conservatives and Liberals. Here is my view: I hate them both. (Not hate, thats a strong word. You know what I mean.) They both obviously have their flaws, and the raging war between the two will ne'er cease!
Heres what I see in the typical Conservative:
- Closed mind
- Uptight attitude
- Strong morals
- Stubbornness (Could be good or bad)
Conservatives, please, don't take any of that the wrong way. (Strong morals?)
And, in my eyes, here is a typical Liberal:
- Open mind
- Go-with-the-flow attitude
- Clouded morals
Again. Don't take these things the wrong way. Yada yada.
I'm not stereotyping, I'm just typing. (Ba-dum TSH)
No. I'm not stereotyping, I am taking actual examples from actual people that I actually know. People that I have gotten to know rather well, in fact.
I gave 4 bullets on each party, but we all know that they're much deeper than that. I'm just scraping the surface. Now here is where my thoughts come in. Which party is "better"? Which one is actually right, and which one is wrong?
Looking on it using a religious (not necessarily Christian, mind you) standpoint, it is pretty safe to say that Conservatives are "right". But then one must look at a social standpoint, an American, freedom standpoint, and thats where the Liberals are "right".
That puts me in an awkward position. A rather awkward position. I am (try to be) very religious, not in an annoying, "preach the good word and get on everyone's nerves way, but simply a God-fearing individual. At the same time, I realize that God gave us free will for a very good reason, and that was to learn from our mistakes. Does that mean that Conservatives are perfect and have already learned? Or does it mean that they are afraid of learning? Does that mean that EVERY Liberal is un-religious, and therefore, unafraid? Or does it mean that they are in the process OF learning?No answer. I wouldn't post my finished thoughts. They're just thoughts.
Society has destroyed our perception of beauty. Obvious, right? I came to realize that (physical) attraction is so much less than skinny women, skimpy clothes, and all that jazz that every guy seems to obsess over. I think that attraction has more to do with uniqueness. Listening to a few friends talk about a certain girl they find attractive, I started thinking about it (after looking at a picture of said lady). I realized that this girl is just a typical college girl. I didn't find her attractive at all. I mean, pretty, yes, but I was not physically attracted to her (not to mention any other kind of attraction, but I can get to that later). To me, this girl looked just like any other high school/college girl that you would see on billboards, movies, TV, magazines, and the like. (And not that photo-manipulated stuff, either. Just a typical pretty American young lady.) I was, bored of her, in a sense, despite the fact that it was the first time I had seen her. At first I thought that this was just a personal opinion kind of deal, but more and more stuff kept coming at me. I think that beauty (while being relative) all has to do with uniqueness. I don't understand why anyone would even try to be like someone else they saw. It takes away from who they are as a person (cliché, I know), and makes them less appealing in a sense, or, boring. I find myself attracted to the girl who isn't afraid to go out without makeup, or the one that doesn't try too hard to cover up her acne. Acne is natural, everyone! Now, I like a lady with makeup, by all means. It shows that they do care about making themselves presentable, but at the same time, I need to keep in mind that it is kind of a mask. A female who tries really hard to look good using makeup, comes off as insecure to me, not more attractive. I think that women need to realize that (getting to the root of it) they are trying to attract men with all that makeup, but there are definitely men out there that will find you attractive regardless. Don't try so hard!
Another thing. When I say "unique", I don't mean unique to such an extreme to where you're creepy. Don't make up your own language.
Conclusions to this thought, I say to all the people out there, don't be someone else. Would that not mean that someone would be attracted to that someone else, and not you?