Tuesday, June 7, 2011
I have studied dreams for a long time, for my age. For about 4 years now, I have studied, contemplated on, researched and logged dreams for the sake of figuring out why they happen. I have done this for obvious reasons, of course.
In a nutshell, dreams are (most often) simply a reflection of our most subconscious wants, needs, and desires. Not only needs, but the past can get in on the gambit too, as well as fears, the future (or time in general), drugs, eating habits, withdrawals, sickness, or the loss of a loved one.
I have dreams frequently.
They are never the same dream, but they always have one girl.
She is not always the main woman, she is often just in the background.
I know this girl.
She was the root of my thought process today. She is the reason I'm scared of trust, the reason I am reluctant to simply believe.
But, the dreams are never bad. They are always pretty good, actually.
It's when I wake up, they become bad. I look back at how good the dream was, and it upsets me that I have to live my life in the real world again.
At the same time, I'm scared to go back to sleep, because I am scared of this girl. I know that I will be upset when I wake up.
Now here's the thing.
She has found a way out.
Obviously, since she is a real person, of course I see her often. But, its the dream version I have started, well, believing is real.
The dreams always involve this woman in love with me. I have often become so delusional as to believe it in real life. I promise, I am not crazy. I obviously control myself, but when the realization comes that the dreams will never actually be, I almost break.
You break me.
More to continue later.
This is just a small part of a very long story.
Emotions are pretty silly things. Society says that men shouldn't be emotional.
No, society says that it's okay for men to be emotional... it's history that says we shouldn't be... that we should be leaders, strong, and hard.
Crap, no, thats not right... 'cause so many people hate emotional men. But, I guess back in the day when we were the hunters and protectors, it wouldn't be a good idea to be too emotional either.
Is it just unnatural in general that men can be emotional?
Is it so bad that I do in fact get teary-eyed when I think about things other than the Stars and Stripes?
I am an emotional person, and the emotions have done nothing but get in the way. It isn't anything I can control, unfortunately. If I could, I would.
In a heartbeat.
Growing up, women thought that the boy who cried would be the one that was right for them. Apparently they have gotten smarter.
Now it's the boy who can beat up the boy who cries who is right for them. Speaking from experience, folks. Please try to argue, it will give me just a bit more hope.
I have always been used by people. I'm a doormat, so to say. I am too easy to get along with, It's too easy to make me laugh and to please me. I will always listen, and I'm always there to help.
The last few times I've tried to help, my emotions got in the way, and what was seemingly a perfect start to a new chapter, turned out to be...
I was a bridge, you see. Girl gets dumped, its okay! I'm here as a shoulder to cry on. Then it becomes more than that. I get my hopes up, and then I'm cheated on, and left. It's okay, though. Cause they're engaged now. It's okay though, cause they have worked out their problems. Yes. I am insinuating that this has happened more than once.
I am Silver.
Now, I'm not stupid. Lets fill you in on another anecdote.
I'm used to the pattern. I'm prepared for what happens next.
Instead of getting attached, I back off.
I back off to protect myself.
I am now the bad guy.
I'm no longer that guy that people can just go to, no longer the guy who always has his arms open wide to people who need him.
I am rejecting them, to protect myself.
Is that selfish, or smart?
Should I sacrifice my sanity for someone else's? Or watch them suffer, and protect myself from the inevitable conclusion that only ever seems to start something new. And worse.
I don't need this. I'm emotional, remember? Any other guy could use a woman and feel just fine about it.
I'm a virgin, not because I've never had a chance to lose it, but because I know how it messes with the emotions, and I couldn't handle that until I was sure I wasn't being...
The emotional men are often used, and the non-emotional men often use.
I could never bring myself to use you.
And apparently that makes me... unappealing.